How does it feel to let go? Scary, fearful, like a lump in my throat. Control makes me feel safe. Control makes me feel like I have my life together. Control makes me feel alive; it drives me.
But what is control? Control??? Control?? Control????
For me, it’s the inability to sit in discomfort, the inability to allow my dark, shadow side or inner child to emerge. Control is my protection. It’s my way of hiding my flaws from the world. Control is my attempt to be perfect, to make people like me, to avoid rejection.
What does it feel like to be out of control? For me, it feels like death. Wow, Mel, that’s a rather strong connotation. Why does it feel like death? Because it feels like a part of myself is dying. The mere feeling of being out of control makes me feel like a part of me is dying. Is this such a bad thing? As I write this, it reminds me of a caterpillar becoming a butterfly. The caterpillar goes through an incredible metamorphosis. It essentially dies and becomes a beautiful butterfly. The process is completely uncontrollable; nature takes its course. Trust in the process is a given; the creature has no control over it—it just is. Having no control over the process allows it to just be.
“Just be”—I put so many controls and measures in place because I don’t want to just be. I don’t want to be present with my thoughts and feelings. “Just be” means facing reality, being with the truth, and being with myself. It’s really hard to be with ourselves, to go inward, to face our demons, to look at our darkness and shadows. It’s hard to accept that we are flawed because of our traumas and pain. It’s hard to separate the fact that what happened to us wasn’t our fault; it was a result of flawed systems and consciousness. Thus, we assume the role of victim and take on the flaw as part of us and who we are.
In fact, I believe we are born whole. Our essence is perfect and full of love. Journeying inward is about getting back to that wholeness, and this requires letting go of parts of ourselves. Parts of us have to die to become alive again.
Letting go can be terrifying because control provides a sense of safety and protection. However, true growth requires embracing discomfort and relinquishing control, much like a caterpillar transforming into a butterfly. This process involves facing our inner darkness and recognizing that our traumas are not our fault. By letting go of these parts, we can return to our original, whole, and loving selves.
Love, Mel x
